Love-Bombing, Gaslighting, and Hoovering: A Psychological Study of Selected Romance Novels by Colleen Hoover

INTRODUCTION:

           Romance novels have been looked down upon in spite of the fact that they are a crucial genre that has been read extensively by readers. Harlequin Mills and Boon publishes roughly half of the worldwide romantic fiction; this publisher alone sells over four books a second (Elliott 54). In the year 2000, 53% of all mass-market fiction published in the USA was romance, and the readership consisted of 41.5 million people, 9% of whom were men and the rest were women (Teo, After the Imperial Turn 280). However, this genre has not received enough literary attention, revealing a situation of fascination on behalf of readers and a relative negligence on behalf of literary studies. Teo laments that the most sustained studies focusing specifically on love in romance novels have been extremely limited (The Routledge Research Companion 481). The reason behind this is that romance novels have been judged as not realistic and sharing one plot line. Many sceptics have described romance as “an addictive promise of escape from real-world troubles” (Selinger and Vivanco 485). Dixon explains that the media and literary critics, out of prejudice, ignorance, and narrow-mindedness still put forward some arguments against reading romances (1).

            Dixon explains that one of the main criticisms of romance novels is that their plots are all the same: the heroine meets the hero and after they encounter a number of problems, all problems are miraculously resolved and marriage follows as in Samuel Richardson's Pamela, Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, and Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre. However, a crucial piece of information is missing here and that is: each genre in fiction has its own characteristic plot line, and to “decry romance fiction” on such grounds is equal to “an ignorance of a fundamental element of all genre fiction” which is “the familiarity of the plot” and forgetting what is always of more significance is how the author works inside this genre or how he/ she expands its parameters (Dixon 2). Another criticism that has been directed to romance novels is that other genres are superior to romances because their stories are more realistic than romance ones, which is ridiculous because encountering two individuals falling in love sounds more realistic than coming across a spy from crime novels, for example.

Baker claims that romance novels are not realistic in the sense that they end with women marrying and living happily ever after; therefore, her real story is not told (163). Dixon strictly refutes Baker’s claims asserting that this claim arises from ignorance of the romance texts which deal with specific problems women have faced throughout this century, and romance stories do not necessarily end with wedding bells but continue after the heroine's marriage (3). Mills and Boon romance novels, Auchmuty explains, have been ridiculed on account of being books for women; have been literary dismissed on account of being popular culture; and have been negatively judged by patronizing critics upon no solid account in spite of the fact that millions of readers enjoy them (ix).

Teo stresses a gap in the critical study of the romance novel: since the 1970s the romance novel has been analyzed by British and American scholars, focusing on class, gender and sexuality debates only (After the Imperial Turn 281). Selinger and Vivanco emphasize the importance of more scholarship to address the philosophical questions about the nature of love and the meaning of life as depicted in romance novels as well as the means (plots, allusions, iconography, post-Happily Ever After (HEA) scenes, etc.) to depict such issues (486). Out of this literary gap, this paper arises, illuminating the significance of romance fiction which has been a neglected genre, and defending it because it has been harshly criticized at the chances when it has not been neglected. This paper provides a quick panoramic view of this genre, highlighting the educational, psychological effect of the romance novel on the reader, rendering it as an even more significant influencer than critically admitted. Moreover, the paper focuses on the contemporary American romance novels: It Ends With Us (2016) and its sequel It Starts With Us (2022) by Colleen Hoover. This paper focuses on new parameters added to this genre; part 2 of this paper explains how Colleen Hoover widens the parameters of the romance novel, creating a romance story which is very close to real life, inspired by personal details, inspecting the theme of love and introducing scientific psychological terms as: love bombing, gaslighting, silent treatment, and hoovering used by psychologists and psychoanalysts with the goal of educating readers. The employed approach in this paper is a descriptive, analytical one in the light of the psychoanalytical theory. Part 2 of the paper sheds light on the psychology of main characters, their perspective of love, and the progress of the plotline by Hoover. It is an established fact by the World Health Organization (WHO) that one in three women experience intimate partner violence or sexual violence around the globe (Rose et al. 202).  Another important fact is the crucial psychological effect of reading romance novels which has been stressed through prominent scientific studies (Gilbert et al.1993; Green and Brock 1996; Prentice et al.1997; Selinger and Vivanco 2020 as well as many others). Hence, the educational dimension of romance novels arises and raises the urgency of this topic and this paper.

1. ROMANCE NOVELS

This section is a panoramic view of romance novels as a genre, explaining the meaning of love as presented in different British and American romance novels, and it also explores the psychological effect of romance novels on its readers. In Western cultures, throughout the last millennium, romantic love was superior to lust or sexual desire, even though love has always embodied desire, because love transcends the physical desires and elevates it to a sacred and spiritual entity; moreover, love as a force, distinct from lust, has continued to influence romance novels today, and such romance novels have repeatedly revealed how romantic protagonists learn to truly love rather than merely desire each other, which eventually leads to the happy endings in romance novels. (Teo, The Routledge Research Companion 454).

Teo explains that romance scholars assert that the modern romance novel developed from Samuel Richardson’s Pamela, Jane Austen’s novels, and Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre (1848); furthermore, these canonical texts established the romance novel’s focus on the heroine’s feelings, the development of love relationship between the hero and the heroine, the obstacles they faced together, and the changes in character and circumstances that ensured a happily ever after (The Routledge Research Companion 464). Dahy argues how Bronte was ahead of her time when she drew the character of Jane, who managed to unconsciously apply a psychological treatment plan articulated by Psychoanalysts, Otto Kernberg and Heinz Kohut to change the character of Rochester from a selfish narcissist to a normal, well-behaved character (10).

In modern romance novels the Happily Ever After (HEA) or at least Happy For Now (HFN) ending is an integral part of the narrative structure (Selinger and Vivanco 490). On the other hand, Teo clarifies that relationships that are purely based on sexual desire and romantic feelings such as Marianne Dashwood and John Willoughby in Sense and Sensibility (1811), Lydia Bennett and Wickham in Pride and Prejudice (1813), Maria Bertram and Henry Crawford in Mansfield Park (1814) do not last or end happily because romantic feelings must be accompanied by qualities and values such as education, refinement, self-control, honor, altruism and patience (The Routledge Research Companion 463).

Victorian novelists included a strong element of spirituality in their romantic fiction because of the censure from clergymen and critics at the time; hence, no matter what plot twists occurred or to what extent the language was emotionally charged, heroines remained chaste and spiritual which always lead to the virtuous being rewarded and the villains being punished. Furthermore, nineteenth-century romantic protagonists fall in love because – apart from their romantic feelings – they treasure each other’s moral characters and the nineteenth century hero always ensures economic justice and psychological support for his beloved who is constrained by rigid gender roles at that time (Teo, The Routledge Research Companion 465). However, HEA was not always the ending during the nineteenth century. Anderson explains that many of the mid-nineteenth century to late nineteenth century romantic fiction ended tragically with the death of romantic protagonists in accordance with the traditional belief that “the truest, purest romantic love is a fatal love” (26). Teo draws attention to the fact that this tradition is still obvious in contemporary romance novels written by Nicholas Sparks, Robert James Waller, Nicholas Evans, and many others whose novels end by the romantic lovers being separated by death or any other circumstance (The Routledge Research Companion 465). John Green’s The Fault in Our Stars (2012) and Jojo Moyes’s Me Before You (2012) are two examples of lovers separated by illness and eventual death.

Baker criticizes how British women novelists in the 1950s restricted themselves to the romantic tradition of storytelling that insisted that a woman’s story was courtship and once she gets married to her prince, her story is over: “What happens afterwards, whether the prince remains a prince or becomes a toad” or whether the heroine lives a happily is not the issue of the writer (21). However, women writers, Baker explains, two decades after the Second World War present that love itself can be rapturous, yet women can become less enthusiastic about their lovers if they prove to be not what they have really hoped for, and writers became little concerned with morality and rules.

Lystra asserts that the early twentieth century witnessed an extensive secularization and sexualisation of the meaning of love (15). In spite of the secularization of romance in the twentieth century, the spiritual kind of love that appeals to God still continued in the United States of America through the genre of Christian inspirational fiction pioneered by  Grace Livingston Hill’s The Finding of Jasper Holt (1915), and this kind of love, which is guided and protected by God, can be best exemplified by the popular British romance writer Barbara Cartland whose novel The Poor Governess (1982) stands as perfect example of this romantic love (Teo, The Routledge Research Companion 465).

            The hero’s first-rate character continues in the romance novels of the early twentieth century until the publication of E.M. Hull’s successful novel The Sheik (1919) which marks the development of romance novels where love no longer meets the criteria of moral, considerate heroes that show respect to their beloved heroines, or even the morally flawed lovers who are redeemed by love at the end. What dominates many Harlequin novels is an intense, engulfing, and sexually arousing kind of love, whereas the mind and morals step aside (Teo, The Routledge Research Companion 466). However, many of Hull’s contemporaries disagreed with this notion of love; Kathlyn Rhodes, a notable romance novelist, insisted that love was more than passion and desire. In Rhodes’s Desert Lovers (1922), passion is not love because love includes passion, but also arises above the sensations of the body. Yet, towards the mid-twentieth century, Teo states that love as portrayed in romance novels has been increasingly associated with extreme passion and sexual desire and there was a resurgence of romance novels which followed the pattern of The Sheik, in the sense that love starts with sadistic, villainous heroes who take advantage of helpless heroines; however, these heroes are transformed at the end of theses novels and become considerate men, protecting their wives and families (The Routledge Research Companion 469).

            Romance novels in the late twentieth and twenty-first century have not simply focused on the extended moment of falling in love or having sex, but have shed light on the development of the relationship between lovers and the maintenance of intimate relationship until marriage and post marriage (Teo, The Routledge Research Companion 472). Nora Roberts, the American novelist, has developed gentle, well- mannered American heroes who maintain a balance between intense sexual desire on one side and friendship and shared interests on the other; her two romantic suspense novels Carnal Innocence (1991) and Carolina Moon (2001) are best examples which portray this kind relationship. The American novelist Colleen Hoover is another example who also portrays love in this way; moreover, she provides the wrong examples of partners who should be avoided.

Romance novels as a genre has always been a controversial one which has been both hailed by some and condemned by others in terms of its effect on readers, in general, and women, in particular. Taylor Quinn, a Harlequin romance author, explains that Harlequin romance books are pure entertainment on the surface level, but they embody a pure uplifting hope of love which is a real entity (Selinger and Vivanco 491). Both authors explain that Jennifer Crusie is motivated and inspired in her romance fiction because she is a believer in unconditional love and its power in holding humanity together, whereas Susan Elizabeth Phillips believes in redemption and finds love to be the most powerful force to do so.

Romance novels play an important role in educating readers and changing their consciousness, particularly women readers. Diekman et al. have proved the crucial persuasive effect of romance novels on the readers’ awareness and behaviour through a scientific study they have conducted.  In romance novels, if the sexual script highlights that “true love is demonstrated by being swept away in passion”, romance readers express a greater reluctance to engage in precautionary sexual health behaviors (179). In their study, Diekman et al. have explored, through a systematic content analysis of modern romance novels, the strong relationship between women’s reading of romance novels and their attitudes toward condom use, concluding that high levels of romance reading which included low incidence of portrayals of condom use have been associated with negative attitudes toward condoms, whereas romance stories which have included safe sex increased women’s positive attitudes toward condoms.

Radway explains that romance novels provide women with an escape exit from their busy lives (1). However, it is asserted that fictional information is embraced into the readers’ memories and they act accordingly (Prentice et al. 416). Moreover, Diekman et al. confirm that there is a vast evidence of how romance novels can influence the real life beliefs and attitudes of its readers (179). Gilbert et al. point out that even if fictional information is clearly wrong, readers tend to remember them as true (222). Green and Brock spotlight this tremendous effect of narrative persuasion of romance novels as readers who are fully aware that the portrayals of spontaneous, passionate sexual encounters are fictional; however, they tend to form beliefs based on their reading of these novels (31).

Selinger and Vivanco explain the positive impact of romance novels and novelists as they have raised public awareness of a number of crucial issues concerning politics, environment, health and society; moreover, many novelists have been realistic and never implied that all injustices and traumas can magically be solved via true love alone. Furthermore, the claim that all romances express a belief in romantic love is a misleading one because even if the structure of the romance novel eventually brings about the HEA, love is only one value of many other embraced values in this genre, and not all novelists prioritize the demands of romantic love over other values such as honour or the duty towards one’s country (491).

2. MANIPULATIVE TACTICS: LOVE-BOMBING, GASLIGHTING, SILENT TREATMENT, AND   HOOVERING

2.1 Love-Bombing

Baker criticizes contemporary women novels because she believes that it is always the male viewpoint that dominates the narrative even when told by women: women writers, Baker claims, hold to the pattern of heroes and the long line of sleeping princesses and maidens in distress, emphasizing women’s passivity, and this does not allow for celebrating a heroic woman narrative (21). However, criticism of the passivity of women characters and the weakness of the female narrative in romance novels prove invalid because Lily’s character and narrative are powerful. In contrast to the accusation of the weakness of female heroines, Hoover celebrates a female narrative that is heroic, psychologically positive and didactic. Lily is a very strong character who manages to fight back her abuser according to psychology, and her narrative scrutinizes her battle. The two chosen novels are educational because as much as love is hailed and encouraged, Hoover does not idealize it. The “swept away” scenes exist in the chosen novels, but this does not prevent Hoover from raising red flags all through the two novels, highlighting the potential personal dilemmas if a woman falls in love with the wrong man. Hoover escorts readers to spot these red flags, borrows scientific psychological terms in her novels, and ends It Ends With Us (2016) with a divorce between the two lovers Lily and Ryle which makes her romance writing lift above the accusation of HEA targeted at romance novels. Furthermore, in It Starts With Us (2022), Lily and Atlas’s marriage is not guaranteed as 100% percent successful.

The two novels act as teaching books about the inner thoughts, feelings, and doubts of the abused victim. Each of the two novels can be read as a psychological manual for the red flags of the cycle of abuse: love bombing, gaslighting, and hoovering as well as many of the manipulation tactics used during this cycle such as: giving the victim the silent treatment and turning the tables on the victim. Because the best solution to gaslighting in a romantic relationship is to end such a relationship (Stern, 2008 ; Sarkis, 2018), Hoover chooses the ending of It Ends With Us (2016) with a divorce between Lily and Ryle to mark the “end” of this relationship that embodies gaslighting.  Lily’s divorce from Ryle marks the “end” of the line of abusive relationships because she believes that her relationship with Ryle is a replica of her mother-father relationship and is aware that this dilemma must end. It Ends With Us (2016) and its sequel It Starts With Us (2022) are reminders from a fighter on how to handle and fight back abusive relationships.

Hoover’s two chosen novels articulate the psychological terms: love-bombing, gas lighting, silent treatment, and hoovering which are part of abusive cycles as established by psychology. Many psychologists have pointed out love-bombing as a part of a cycle of abuse and as a kind of psychological manipulation which calls for excessive warning (Beri 26).  A detailed presentation of the situations, which exemplify each psychological term, is furnished in Hoover’s novels as part of the plotline. These abusive cycles are also referred to as a trajectory of coercive control (CC) which is present in intimate relationships and usually starts with love-bombing as a means of CC and escalates to include gaslighting in its different ways, including, but not confined to, technology abuse (Rose et al. 195). Stark explains that CC involves repeated patterns of verbal, psychological, sexual, and technological abuse beside physical abuse.

As a Counselling Psychologist, Beri explains that love bombing isn’t a diagnostic term, but it is a term used by mental health professionals to describe a form of emotional abuse; by definition, love bombing is “a controlling and manipulative tactic” used by narcissists and abusive individuals in order to “quickly obtain affection and attention before tearing their victims down” (22).  At the beginning of the relationship, during the love bombing phase, there is an “excess of what is normally expected” at this stage (Klein et al. 1324). Rose et al. explain that during the love bombing phase, a woman is flattered and is “swept off her feet” by love flowers and love messages until she becomes under the man’s control who is only “coercively controlling” her, making her believe that he is devoted and caring only “to morph” later into the real possessor that he is (196).

In It Ends with Us (2016), Ryle exerts his utmost effort to win Lily by chasing her, complimenting her beauty, asserting how he has become addicted to her until he finds a way to her heart and they get married. Klein et al. explain that from the survivor's perspective, “love-bombing is described as enjoyable but also disorienting” (1318). Lily’s disorientation is depicted at the beginning of the abuse cycle. Ryle is a handsome, ultimately rich neurologist whose “voice is a drug in itself” (Hoover, It Ends With Us 10) and who plays the naked truth game with her to extract all her hidden secrets. Lily Bloom, daughter of the late Andrew Bloom, simply spills out that her father has always got angry and hit her mother. She tells Ryle that in her father’s eulogy, she was supposed to name five good things about her father but could not name one. She informs him about Atlas whom she has befriended and helped with food and clothes as he stayed in a deserted house next to them. Ryle, in turn, tells her that all his interest in life lies in being the best neurosurgeon; however, he starts love-bombing her after a very short period: “But for the past week, I haven’t been able to get you out of my head. I don’t know why. At work, at home. All I can think about is how crazy it feels when I’m near you, and I need you to make it stop, Lily.” (Hoover, It Ends With Us 56) Vaknin explains that there are four functions of love bombing: to highlight “the intensity and persistence” of the growing attachment; to draw a picture of the love- bomber as a supposedly caring, full of good intentions being who is after a unique relationship; to cause the victim to be infatuated with the love-bomber; and to gaslight the victim later (1).

 Hoover educates her readers to watch out for signs in unhealthy relationships such as: love-bombing and addiction to the perpetrator. Beri explains that while dating with a love- bomber, there are common signs to watch for: luxurious gifts and excessive flattery, and this phase of love-bombing lasts until its objective is achieved, namely emotional attachment which leads to eventual control of the victim. Love-bombing causes one partner to “feel overwhelmed or as if they’re caught up in a whirlwind” and when someone does this even if they claim positive motives, this can be “an indicator of manipulative intentions” because real affection is based on unfolding at a pace that is comfortable for both sides (27).

Ryle masters the art of love-bombing which makes Lily confused: she finds out that Ryle has a picture of her hanging in his apartment, but at other times he gives her the cold shoulder. Lily experiences emotions of frustration and uncertainty: “I’m so mad, I can’t even think straight…. If he doesn’t want me to swoon, he shouldn’t buy me flowers! (Hoover, It Ends With Us 70). Klein et al. explain that one of the functions of love-bombing is to diminish the offensive contemporary and future behavior of the abuser and create a massive confusion for the victim about their partner and their relationship. Lily tells Ryle: “I can’t tell what you want, Ryle! And every time I get to the point where I start to not give a shit, you show up again out of the blue! You show up at my work, you show up at my apartment door, you show up at parties, ....”  to which Ryle answers: “Oh, I want you, Lily. Make no mistake about that. I just don’t want to want you.” (Hoover, It Ends With Us 71). This absolute nonsense is presented as a red flag, which calls for excessive caution in relationships which might fold into manipulative ones.

Once Lily is under Ryle’s spell and they get married, his anger management problems and his psychological issues come to the surface when he physically abuses her more than once. He hits her when he accidently burns his own hand and she naively laughs, and he pushes her off the stairs when he wrongly suspects she has a relationship with Atlas. When Ryle comes back home, he presses his forehead to their bedroom door and hits his head against it several times and investigates about the details of Atlas’s phone number, which he found. Lily explains that after the fight between Ryle and Atlas in the restaurant, which Ryle himself suggested as a place, Atlas came to her flower store and stayed there for five minutes. Atlas passed his phone number because he doubted her safety with Ryle after seeing her for the first time in the restaurant with an abuse mark on her face from their previous fight. She explains that Allysa, his sister, witnessed this. Lily says: You can ask Allysa. He was only there for five minutes. He took my phone from me and he put his number inside of it, …. I forgot it was there, Ryle. I’ve never even looked at it.”  (Hoover, It Ends With Us 183). Ryle nods with relief and asks: “You swear, Lily? You swear on our marriage and our lives and on everything that you haven’t spoken to him since that day?” to which Lily answers: “I swear, Ryle. You overreacted before giving me the chance to explain,” and she shocks him with the order: “Now get the fuck out of my apartment.” (Hoover, It Ends With Us 183). These words shock Ryle and mark Lily’s impatience with Ryle’s anger outbursts and false accusations. Klein et al. assert that when the love-bomber shifts to gaslighting, it is very common to accuse the victim of memory problems and infidelity to gaslight the victim.

Hoover makes Ryle explain the cause of his psychological trauma which created the angry psychologically-ill character that readers read about. At six, Ryle shoots his elder brother, Emerson, who was only seven. Ryle was not aware that he was holding a real gun.  He has been in therapy since he was six years old, but he still loses control and gets angry. As much as Lily sympathizes with Ryle, she still can not forgive him for what he has done and is on her guard from now on. The following time Ryle hits her and bites her aggressively which calls for stitches, this marks the last straw for her.  At the hospital, she discovers that she is pregnant which makes her decision to leave Ryle harder. Lily keeps thinking about the crucial problem of choosing between a broken home or an abusive home for her child. She wonders why people spend so much time wondering why women don’t leave abusive relationships and instead poses the worth-answering question: “Where are all the people who wonder why the men are even abusive?” because this is the spot where the only blame should be placed (Hoover, It Ends With Us 216). Hoover asks the more correct questions which should be asked and Lily makes the hard choice of breaking with Ryle: “We break the pattern before the pattern breaks us.” (It Ends With Us 281). Lily stands up for herself and insists on a divorce to break the pattern of abusive relationships.

2.2 Gas Lighting

Phase number two in the abusive cycle is: gaslighting. It is seen many times in the two novels. Calef and Weinshel explain that gaslighting is a behaviour in which an individual tries to influence another individual’s judgement by “causing the latter to doubt the validity of his or her own judgement”; therefore, the victim of gaslighting becomes “uncertain” and “confused” with respect to his/ her own “assessment of internal or external perceptions” (52). Klein et al. explain that gaslighting aims at convincing the target of their “incompetence”, and once this becomes an established “fact”, the perpetrator uses this fact to their advantage, “mainly by avoiding accountability for their own behavior and controlling their survivor's behavior” (1317). Accredited therapists Stern and Sarkis point out that gaslighting tactics which are used against victims in relationships include: accusations of being crazy, turning the tables, insults and emotional punishments which make victims of gaslighting doubt their mental well-being (Stern, 2008; Sarkis, 2018). When Lily shows signs of concern as Ryle approaches her during a conversation, Ryle criticizes what he counts as an overreaction and blames her for her fear. However, Lily is aware of his manipulation and in an interior monologue says: “Here comes the gaslighting [ emphasis added]. He’s attempting to make me feel crazy for being scared, even though my fear is more than warranted.” (Hoover, It Starts With Us 89). During the gaslighting phase, accusations of being crazy or being overly-reactive are common as Klein et al. assert. Hoover presents the term in her novel, defines what the term gaslighting means, and shows how it happens. Hence, Hoover widens the parameters of the romantic novel to include clinical terms.

Gaslighting is referred to as an instance of coercive controlling violence (Klein et al. 1317). Calef and Weinshel clarify that the gaslighters’ emotional motivations are: control, greed, and a desire to avoid accountability for bad behavior. Lily is perfectly aware of this and is positive about her sound judgement when it comes to Ryle’s bad behaviour. However, gaslighting affects her at certain moments through her psychological healing of the abuser. Dorpat explains that the dynamics of the procedure of gaslighting include two steps which constitute what Dorpat calls the “double whammy” technique: in the first step, the abuser insults and demeans the victim, and in the second step, the abuser questions what is wrong with the victim and blames him/ her for what the abuser calls exaggerated responses and being overly sensitive (41). Dr. Stern explains in her self-help book, The Gaslight Effect: How to spot and survive the hidden manipulation others use to control your life (2008), the driving motives of the gaslighter and these are: his insecurity and the need to feel powerful.

Beri explains that emotionally abusive behaviors do not leave physical marks, but traumatize the victims so that their physical wounds are invisible, yet their hidden wounds manifest in self-doubt, and if emotional abuse continues, a victim can lose their entire sense of self (28). It is true that Ryle does not hit her after divorce or cause anymore stitches; however, the gasligting effect is seen in Lily’s actions and interior monologues. She finds herself shedding tears on a regular basis, overwhelmed by: divorce, being a single mother, and running a business. These feelings and thoughts agree with what Dr. Schneider (2015), a licensed psychotherapist, explains about survivors of emotional abuse who suffer from post traumatic symptoms that include, but are not confined to, depression, panic attacks and intrusive thoughts. Lily finds herself overwhelmed by dealing with an ex-husband who still scares her. Through interior monologue, readers are allowed to feel the fear that creeps inside her when Ryle suggests that their “divorce was a mistake” and makes her sometimes wonder: “if I’m overreacting by not allowing my daughter to have overnights with her own father.” (Hoover, It Starts With Us 92). Emotional abuse gradually withdraws confidence, causing the victim to doubt their perceptions and reality and even though they are severely wounded, they find themselves trapped in a thorny situation: unable to endure such a relationship, yet afraid to leave it (Beri 27). Hoover provides several examples of gaslighting to educate her readers, and Lily is a great example of how gaslighting confuses her, as psychologists explain, and as a conscious victim of what, as explained in psychology, she is going through. In her interior monologue, Lily says: “I don’t know if every move I make is the right one, but I’m doing my best. I don’t need his manipulation and gaslighting [emphasis added] on top of that” (Hoover, It Starts With Us 92).

2.3 Hoovering, The Silent Treatment, And Mechanisms of Defence

Hoover introduces the idea that one mechanism of fighting back against hoovering is the awareness and education of the victim about the meaning of hoovering, its different forms, and the manipulative tactics used by victimizers to get back in control of their victims. Another essential mechanism of fighting back which Hoover highlights is by standing up for one’s self, setting unbending boundaries for the victimizer, and drawing a comparison between the meaning of a healthy relationship and the toxic relationship that the victim finds herself/ himself involved in. Hoovering is another term which is introduced in It Starts With Us. Dr. Ramani Durvasula (2020), a clinical psychologist and a Professor of psychology, explains that hoovering comes from the brand “Hoover”, the vacuum cleaner, and the abuser usually tries to suck the victim back to the abusive relationship, after the end of the relationship, as the vacuum cleaner sucks to finish its task. The “hoover maneuver” or tactic is an endeavor to bring back a victim of abuse into a new cycle of abuse in order to enjoy a sense of power over the victim (Dr. Schneider, 2015). During this phase, the abuser uses many manipulative tactics: the love-bombing tactic that trapped the victim in the first place, the tactic of how the abusers themselves have been victimized to extract guilt from the victim, the tactic of how they have finally changed into better versions of themselves which sometimes befools the victim (Durvasula, 2020).

In It Starts With Us, Ryle tries to convince Lily that he has changed and his eyes “are full of a mixture of sincerity and sorrow” (91). Apologies and empty promises are signs of hoovering (Lacy, 2022). Lily reads these signs and is not befooled: as a fighter, she relights her boundaries, asserting that she does not care if he has changed or not. Lily tells Ryle: “I don’t care if you’ve changed, Ryle. I hope you have. But it’s not my responsibility to test that theory” and these words “hit him hard” because then he stops hovering [ emphasis added] as Lily has wanted him to do. (Hoover, It Starts With Us 91). It is interesting that Hoover introduces the term with a different spelling which is a spelling commonly used by non-specialists meaning to be soaring above, chasing, and trying to trap the victim back. Lily highlights many challenges about the cycles of abuse: “How do people leave these cycles when they don’t have the resources I had or the support from their friends and family? How do they possibly stay strong enough every second of the day? I feel like all it takes is one weak, insecure moment in the presence of your ex to convince yourself you made the wrong decision. (Hoover, It Starts With Us 92) Ryle is shown as a character who “has this way of planting seeds of doubt” in Lily, making her think things could have gotten better if Ryle has been just given more time to work on himself and become a better version of himself; this is of course is nothing but a manipulative tactic on behalf of the abuser. (Hoover, It Starts With Us 93). These hoovering moments can be very seductive and pull back the victim into the cycle of abuse where the abuser goes back to all the demeaning tactics of humiliation and gaslighting (Ramani, 2020). Lily is Hoover’s spokesperson when she highlights the magnificence of every fighter who has managed to leave “a manipulative, abusive spouse” and continued that path; in doing so, this survivor deserves “a medal”, “a statue”, and “a superhero movie” (It Starts With Us 92).

Ryle, in fact, does not change at all; he still suffers from his anger fits which make him vent his anger in the face of Lily even after divorce. When he learns that Lily sees Atlas, he is filled with fury and pins her to the door, holds her tight by the throat and slaps his palm against the door by her head; this terrifies her and makes her freeze in her place for fear of making him angrier. He then realizes what he has done and apologizes. This makes Lily positive about her decision of divorce and her decision of not taking him back because “he’s still the same man he’s always been.” (Hoover, It Starts With Us 169).

As a survivor, she teaches her readers that Ryle is a broken man, and so are his likes. As much as she sympathizes with his childhood accident, she does not find it an excuse for the treatment she gets. Lily understands that loving a broken person does not repair them, it only breaks the other person as well. However, Lily is not willing to be broken; it is self-love and her love to her daughter: “I can’t afford to allow anyone to break me anymore. I have a daughter I need to be whole for. (Hoover, It Starts With Us 169). This proves all her decisions correct and explains why she will not allow her daughter around him on a day when she knows “his fuse is nonexistent” (Hoover, It Starts With Us 174). Lily asserts the idea that beating a wife should be “emasculating” to the man who dares to commit such an action (Hoover, It Starts With Us 139). Survivors do not tolerate abusers once they understand the trap they find themselves in. Lily has zero tolerance for the abusive cycle of Ryle and makes up her own defending mechanism: she keeps a list of all his abusing actions to remind her why she has chosen a divorce. After the final physical assault and the abusive text messages, she starts documenting everything Ryle does to her because “Ryle looks perfect on paper, and if he’s going to continue with abusive tactics, [emphasis added] I need to protect myself and Emerson” (Hoover, It Starts With Us 187). Lily tells him that all has been reported to her lawyer together with the threatening texts in the middle of the night, and this astonishes Ryle whose previous experiences with her negative responses have never escalated so far even when he harshly assaulted her during marriage. Through fiction, Hoover educates that an abusive text message is a form of CC. Rose et al. (2024) asserts that technology-facilitated abuse is a form of CC but has been hard to capture in criminal law even though it exacerbates the mental health of the victim because an abusive text message on a phone or any personal device is often close to the body which makes it a haunting form of a persistent abuse.

Ryle’s fake remorse is gone when Lily confronts him saying: “We both know how those techniques have worked in the past.” and Lily asks him if he can not see the “pattern” of attacking her whether verbally or physically, then offering some lame excuses and apologies with the hope of being forgiven, only to repeat the cycle of abuse at the very following time when he has a fit of anger and loses control on himself.  (Hoover, It Starts With Us 187). A fighter against her victimizer should watch out for the pattern of hitting, then apologizing. If a victim finds that assaults are repeated, then it is a pattern rather than an accident or mistake. Ryle goes to Atlas and hits him in another fit of anger, which calls for a confrontation between both. Atlas does not hit back, but tries to put some sense into him instead of hitting him back. Hoover manages to draw a contrast between the two male characters. It is a session in which Atlas clarifies that Ryle has lost Lily because of Ryle’s anger issues and beating his wife, not because of the emergence of Atlas in their lives. Atlas tells him that they should all work on stabilizing the relationship among them all for the sake of their daughter, Emerson. However, this sensible talk has not affected the abuse cycle for Lily because when Lily and Ryle meet for Emmerson’s birthday, Ryle gives Lily the silent treatment.  However, Lily is completely aware of the cycle of abuse and even welcomes this part: “Being ignored by him is better than being blamed by him, though. I’d take the silent treatment [ emphasis added] over the alternative any day.” (Hoover, It Starts With Us 197).  The silent treatment is the colloquial term of Social ostracism, and it is a form of social rejection that “communicates symbolically to targets that, for the duration of the silent treatment, they are dead and meaningless to the source.” (Sommer et al.  226). The silent treatment is practised by the abuser to make the victim feel guilty.  

In It Starts with Us, Ryle keeps trying to violate the boundaries of the divorce in an attempt to get back to Lily’s life; he does this by the temptation of: being super kind and decent; helping with their daughter, Emerson; bringing dinner; keeping the key of the house; bringing up the possibility of a reunion; and implying the possibility for a reconciliation of a happy family. These are examples of hoovering during the hoovering phase in the abuse cycle. Hoover educates her readers about these manipulation tactics and the techniques of setting boundaries in order not to be trampled on. Through interior monologue, Hoover allows the inner conflict of the victim to come to the surface. Hoover depicts the struggles of thoughts and emptions inside Lily to teach the victims about the normality of such feelings.  After the birth of Emerson, there were moments when “I would feel a spark between us. He’d do or say something sweet, or he’d be holding Emmy while he sang to her….” (Hoover, It Starts With Us 23). These are all examples of what Dr. Ramani (2020) calls love-bombing hoovering. This is the fragility of the victim’s psyche during the hoovering phase, yet it is the duty of the victim to understand these feelings and be ready for more of the abuser’s presence because the abuser does not give up easily. Ryle persists in his attempts, questioning the validity of their divorce and their actions. In Lily’s mind, she recognizes Ryle’s manipulative tactic: “this isn’t the first time he’s asked me what we’re doing—like our divorce is some long game I’m playing. Sometimes he’ll say it in passing, sometimes in a text. Sometimes he makes it a joke. But every time he suggests how senseless our divorce is, I recognize it for what it is. A manipulation tactic. [ emphasis added]” (Hoover, It Starts With Us 91).

Lily acts as a psychiatrist who keeps a review list for checking herself in case of doubt. Sometimes emotions of doubt such as: whether she has been too hard on him or if he has really changed as a character penetrate her. However, every time she doubts herself or her decisions, she revises the list she has written and folds it back in her jewelry box for the following time she needs a reminder. Her list says it all:

1) He slapped you because you laughed. 2) He pushed you down a flight of stairs. 3) He bit you. 4) He tried to force himself on you. 5) You had to get stitches because of him. 6) Your husband physically hurt you more than once. It would have happened again and again. 7) You did this for your daughter. I run my finger over the tattoo on my shoulder, feeling the small scars he left there with his teeth.  (Hoover, It Starts With Us 26)

Hoover offers, through the character of Lily, a mechanism of recovery from hoovering. Such a mechanism is a possible measurement that can be included in treatment. Klein et al. highlight the urgency of studying the psychological effects of gaslighting and the different behaviors associated with recovering from gaslighting because clinicians will be allowed to apply treatments that are adjusted to “specific epistemic harms” (1319).

              Lily understands Ryle for the character he is: “Ryle has a monster inside him that is on a constant search to be offended. His dark side feeds off drama, and if no one gives him any, he makes it up. But I can’t be a player in his game anymore.” (Hoover, It Starts With Us 199). She understands that he wants “his delusions to be true” in order to be able “to excuse his behaviour” and her mind dictates the correct decision of never discussing anything with him while they are alone because Ryle has “proven to me that I’m not safe when I’m alone with him, so that privilege is over.”  (Hoover, It Starts With Us 198, 199). She disciplines Ryle during Emmerson’s birthday when he wants to start a conversation. She sets boundaries, telling him that she would text him later, not during the party.

              A confrontation with the abuser in the presence of others to put some rules and celebrate strength of the victim is also a means of fighting back any attempts of hoovering. Lily says: “I’ve given you more than enough grace, Ryle. You know I have. But from this point forward, please know that Emerson is what matters to me. If you do anything threatening or harmful to me or our daughter, I will sell everything I own to fight you in court” (Hoover, It Starts With Us 232). Dr. Schneider (2015) explains that the beginning of healing from abuse relationships relies on going no contact with the victimizer, so that the hoovering phase can stop; moreover, in cases, where the abusive person insists on harassing their target, seeking a legal action may be the best option against abusers. Hence, Hoover, introduces her readers with another mechanism of defence against perpetrators. Lily tells Ryle that while undergoing anger management, his visits with Emerson would be somewhere where Allysa is present until Emerson is old enough to speak and discuss how her visits with Ryle are like.

          Lily is aware with what is accepted in a relationship and what is not accepted. Dr. Lacy (2022), a licensed psychotherapist, explains that awareness is key to stop the cycle of a toxic relationship and admitting that there is a problem in the relationship is the first step to get rid of it. Lily’s interior monologue reveals a development in her awareness of a healthy relationship:

What I’m not okay with are the insults, the threatening texts, the outbursts. He’s got a lot of work to do, and I’m finally willing to hold him to task. I probably should have been firmer earlier on, but I’ve been trying to make it work in the least dramatic way possible. But I’m done bending my own life for Ryle’s sake. My loyalty is to the people who bring positivity into my life. My loyalty is to the people who want to build me up and see me happy. Those are the people I’m going to make decisions about my life for. (Hoover, It Starts With Us 208)

Lily’s words about the people she wants in her life replicate the words of the clinical psychologist, Dr. Cory. Cory (2024) explains the meaning of a healthy relationship in contrast with a toxic relationship: a healthy relationship contributes to self-esteem and emotional energy, opposite to a toxic relationship which damages self-esteem and drains energy; a healthy relationship is a safe relationship which embodies respect and mutual consideration with the hope of providing a secure, happy life, whereas a toxic relationship damages  a partner emotionally and at many time physically, providing a fearful, miserable life. Beri explains how crucial it is “to promote education on healthy relationship dynamics” and to motivate self-worth and boundary-setting to halt love bombing and emotional abuse (43). Dr. Schneider (2015) asserts that psychoeducation about emotional abuse is one of the first steps in the healing process. Indeed, Hoover does so in her inspiring two chosen novels that promote education as encouraged by psychologists.

          Hoover explains that real love is never guaranteed, but is worth fighting for. Even Lily’s and Atlas’s love does not guarantee a HEA ending. Hence, the second novel ending highlights the hard work which awaits both characters to make the relationship work: both have to deal with Ryle. Hoover makes divorce the only option in abusive relationships, but she does not by any means make it sound like an easy decision. Hoover makes sure to make divorce sound challenging: “Divorce is difficult.... You’re stuck interacting with that person for the remainder of your life…. Forever.”  (It Starts With Us 118).  The novel sends an optimistic positive message about romantic love. Atlas’s wedding vows sums up the beauty of love and its enigmatic unknown future: optimistically speaking, they can enjoy an entire happy life till they get old, and pessimistically speaking, they could break, but even if this unlikely event happens, Atlas believes that he will still be grateful for the love they had. Hence, the first novel ends with the divorce of Lily and Ryle and its sequel never guarantees a HEA. This refutes the claim that romantic novels always end with unrealistic HEA. 

          CONCLUSION

  Through the psychoanalytical lens and the literary lens, the two novels: It Ends with Us (2016) and its sequel It Starts with Us (2022) have been read, proving that romance novels are of a crucial educational value to its readers, and tend to be very realistic. Opposite to the claim that romance novels provide an addictive escape from the troubles of the real world, the chosen novels prove to be episodes of unhealthy realistic relationships. Psychology has become part of the parameters of the contemporary American romance novel: a romance novel can be read as a book on psychology or a self help book that points red flags all through a toxic journey. Precise terms in psychology such as: love-bombing, gaslighting, silent treatment, and hoovering are introduced in the two chosen novels. These terms are exemplified, explained, and warned against. Hoover provides the first steps of psychoeducation in emotional abuse as recommended by psychotherapists.

Opposite to the criticism targeted at heroines of romance novels, Lily, tells her story of personal struggles, revealing herself as a fighter who fights all manipulative tactics and warns against red flags all through the two chosen novels. The conventional plot starts with an exposition, followed by a climax and finally a resolution; however, the resolution in It Ends with Us is not the HEA cliché criticized by many critics. The resolution is the divorce between the hero and the heroine. Moreover, its sequel It Starts with Us does not promise the readers a 100 percent HEA: Hoover hails love and salutes healthy relationships as an increasing asset in HEA marriages; yet, Hoover does not guarantee a HEA if individuals change or mistreat each other. Hence, the resolutions in the two chosen novels are unconventional and very realistic.